I keep my composure for the most part. who I am on social media is a completely different persona than who I am in person. luckily, I've made good friends like Tiffany (@kissestomybabes) who understand that and still choose to be a part of my life, and for that I am grateful.
on social media, I am a happy, positive, uplifting, strong mom dealing with the ups and downs of a very busy and very lonely life at home while my amazing husband is off fighting the bad forces that threaten the U.S.
but in real life, I am a scared, lonely, lost little girl trying to get a stable grasp on motherhood and keeping a structure to my crazy household. I have a terrible social anxiety, panic attacks, and small bouts of depression and heartache. the only single event I can point to and see as being the reason for all of this is my sophomore year of high school.
I was getting decent grades, had a great group of friends, was involved in multiple extracurriculars including: a school wide talent/musical show and flag team for marching band. and then I met a senior who turned my world completely upside down... I had fallen head over heels for a boy who promised me the world and gave me nothing but heartbreak and struck fear into my heart.
he once invited me to a party with a bunch of older kids in our school he threw at his house. there was alcohol (something I had never been accustomed to before) and encouraged me to believe it was okay to drink excessively. that night he went against my will and took advantage of me along with one of his other friends after I was passed the point of drunk. the next morning I woke up to them shoving their phones in my face and discovering that they had recorded the whole thing.
because of this traumatic event in my life, I have I guess a form of PTSD. I have these spells where I'll wake up in a panic and night terrors plague my sleep. I'll wake up in fits of rage and sadness sometimes. and I developed a major anxiety disorder. crowds, men, and darkness strike fear inside me and give me panic attacks almost every other day. I may look calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside my thoughts and heart are racing. because of this, I often only hangout with one person at a time, and tend to make excuses why I can't hang out with a group of people.
no, I can't help the way my mind works after the way my sophomore year went, and it's not something I can just ignore. I'm lucky my husband understands. for the longest time I would wake up in spells and frights gripping his arm or pushing him away (not realizing its him and not the boy who attacked me).
I haven't told many people about my anxiety disorder and I do a damn good job of hiding it. but I'm realizing that keeping it all pent up is doing more harm than good. I need to somehow come to terms with it and learn to trust people again.
the only reason why I haven't completely fallen apart, is because every single time I look at Shiloh, this overwhelming sense of calmness and serenity falls over me and I suddenly feel like I'm floating in the clouds away from all my earthly problems and fears. and isn't that something amazing? how much love you can feel for such a tiny little being? I don't know where I would be without her. and I'm truly clutching to the thought of my husband being home soon. this summer will go by fast, Terry will come home to us, and I WILL get through this.
