2K15: The Summer of Shiloh

Over the past several months I've had the priveledge of being able to spend a majority of my husband's deployment with family. 

May 23rd, 2015: Shiloh was about a month and a half. we flew from Virginia to Witchita Falls, TX to visit with my husband's parents for a week. and my my it was amazing. to introduce his dad and his brother to their granddaughter/niece...

and then in very early June, we hopped on yet another flight from Texas to Spokane, WA. there we were greeted by my parents and spend several weeks introducing her to the entire family:

June 23rd, Shiloh and I hopped on yet ANOTHER plane, down to San Diego, CA. where we met up with my dad for a second time after our brief visit in Spokane, and spent several days with him before his retirement ceremony. and then we watched her grandpa bring is 32-year-long navy career to a close.

 

We spent the next week with her great grandmother in Los Angeles, CA while my dad and sister moved all of his stuff back up to Spokane with my mom and even met up with a dear friend from Instagram! We absolutely loved meeting up with Hillary (@theycallmethewanderer) and Mikah! and even got to spend some time at the zoo with the girls!

then on July 15th we headed back up to Spokane to reunite with my parents and younger sister Claire. we had a family photo session with my moms side of the family, and we even got some great candids of Shiloh with family members ❤️

Then we made an adventure out of the last several days and drove up to our 40 acres of property in the mountains near Anaconda, Montana and "roughed it" which included camping in my grandparent's Volkswagen camper van and living without everyday amenities 

and now we're spending a few days up at the lake house shared between my moms side of the family as well as my dads in Priest Lake, Idaho!

pretty soon Shiloh and I will be hopping on yet ANOTHER flight back to Witchita Falls, Texas to spend another two weeks with my husband's parents and family. and then we will be arriving back home in Virginia Beach, VA on September 1st at 10pm!

from there, we'll spend the last couple months of deployment at home setting up the house and preparing for my husband's arrival home. 

So as the summer winds down and comes to a close, Shiloh and I want to take a moment to thank every single one of you who follow our journey, through my  transition to motherhood and survival of a 9 month deployment, for supporting and encouraging us in these tough times! we really do owe it to you all who have been not only loyal supporters since day one, but also to those who have recently discovered our story.

To you, we are eternally grateful!

xoxo,

Courtney + Shiloh

I Chose to be Bigger than Myself.

as I'm sitting up late at night thinking to myself about the past couple weeks. I reflect on a lot of decisions I've made in the past. 

first off, let me start off by saying that I am not writing this blog post in order to get a "oh Courtney you're so humble, you have such a good heart". if I wanted to do that I would have just posted it flat out on Instagram instead of sending you guys through the hassle of clicking on more links than necessary in order to get here.

this blog post is being written simply for my own reflection, and if others happen to want to read it that's fine by me. 

I did a couple things over the past three days I thought I would never do.

1. I was cordial to someone on Instagram that I had a small altercation with in the recent past, and even went as far as to try and apologize for things I had said that came off in a threatening manner.

2. I apologized to one of my best friends for being a bitch when I shouldn't have been.

and lastly

3. I decided not only to better myself through clean eating and working out, but I've also taken someone in that I never would have agreed to in the past. 

and let me just say, making decisions like this have opened up my heart to so much gratitude for the world around me as well as taking huge weights off of my shoulders. I can't wait for what the future holds for me. and I'm excited to share with people my journey and the places it leads me to.

Nobody's Perfect: Including Me

tonight I was laying in bed watching Shiloh sleep, and I decided... I'm going to come forward about something very personal and a very tender subject for me.

I keep my composure for the most part. who I am on social media is a completely different persona than who I am in person. luckily, I've made good friends like Tiffany (@kissestomybabes) who understand that and still choose to be a part of my life, and for that I am grateful.

on social media, I am a happy, positive, uplifting, strong mom dealing with the ups and downs of a very busy and very lonely life at home while my amazing husband is off fighting the bad forces that threaten the U.S.

but in real life, I am a scared, lonely, lost little girl trying to get a stable grasp on motherhood and keeping a structure to my crazy household. I have a terrible social anxiety, panic attacks, and small bouts of depression and heartache. the only single event I can point to and see as being the reason for all of this is my sophomore year of high school.

I was getting decent grades, had a great group of friends, was involved in multiple extracurriculars including: a school wide talent/musical show and flag team for marching band. and then I met a senior who turned my world completely upside down... I had fallen head over heels for a boy who promised me the world and gave me nothing but heartbreak and struck fear into my heart.

he once invited me to a party with a bunch of older kids in our school he threw at his house. there was alcohol (something I had never been accustomed to before) and encouraged me to believe it was okay to drink excessively. that night he went against my will and took advantage of me along with one of his other friends after I was passed the point of drunk. the next morning I woke up to them shoving their phones in my face and discovering that they had recorded the whole thing.

because of this traumatic event in my life, I have I guess a form of PTSD. I have these spells where I'll wake up in a panic and night terrors plague my sleep. I'll wake up in fits of rage and sadness sometimes. and I developed a major anxiety disorder. crowds, men, and darkness strike fear inside me and give me panic attacks almost every other day. I may look calm and collected on the outside, but on the inside my thoughts and heart are racing. because of this, I often only hangout with one person at a time, and tend to make excuses why I can't hang out with a group of people.

no, I can't help the way my mind works after the way my sophomore year went, and it's not something I can just ignore. I'm lucky my husband understands. for the longest time I would wake up in spells and frights gripping his arm or  pushing him away (not realizing its him and not the boy who attacked me). 

I haven't told many people about my anxiety disorder and I do a damn good job of hiding it. but I'm realizing that keeping it all pent up is doing more harm than good. I need to somehow come to terms with it and learn to trust people again. 

the only reason why I haven't completely fallen apart, is because every single time I look at Shiloh, this overwhelming sense of calmness and serenity falls over me and I suddenly feel like I'm floating in the clouds away from all my earthly problems and fears. and isn't that something amazing? how much love you can feel for such a tiny little being? I don't know where I would be without her. and I'm truly clutching to the thought of my husband being home soon. this summer will go by fast, Terry will come home to us, and I WILL get through this. 

Losing the Baby Weight

the most asked question I get is "how did you lose the baby weight?! you look good!" 

well, I'm about to let you in on my best kept secret..... I wrap. and no, I don't mean the It Works wraps. 

now, this method only works if you are less than 10lb away from your goal/original weight. so don't go thinking you can make major results like with the It Works wraps; those results are ones you'll have to pay for. but you WILL lose the bloating and a little bit of the pudge.

now first, you need to keep hydrated. and I don't just mean 8 glasses of water or a water bottle here and there. you will need to drink all day. keep a gallon size water filled and sip on the water. this works best if you cut out other fluids like juices, soda, and milk as well.

now, once you've had your fill of water, go get a roll of clear Saran Wrap. suck in your gut a little bit and wrap the Saran Wrap TIGHTLY around your midsection. start at your hips and end just under the underwire/band of your bra.

leave this on for as long as you possibly can (I usually do it at night and leave it on til morning) while continuing to drink water. and when you take it off you'll notice most of your bloating has subsided.

WARNING: you WILL sweat excessively. and this will be uncomfortable to have the Saran Wrap wrapped so tightly. it's not meant to be comfortable, it's meant to help you lose an inch or two.

some friends of mine have been known to wrap underneath their workout clothes and go walking or running on the treadmill and on the bikes at the gym too. this has proven to have even more successful results.

I hope you enjoy your journey to a thinner, less bloated, healthier-looking you! 

What's in my Diaper Bag?

Sorry I've been slacking on my blog posts! Life with a newborn is definitely an adventure! but now that things have slowed down and I'm getting the hang of motherhood, I figured I'd start my blog posts back up again! and what better way to share my experiences than to help you all new mothers to be and maybe even some of you more seasoned mommas by sharing what I carry with me on a day to day basis and hopefully give some good reviews!

I am the proud owner of the JJ Cole Stone Gray Arbor Diaper Bag! I absolutely love this diaper bag! there's so much room and so many pockets for storage. the style is subtle and could even be pulled off as purse! the inside is waterproof and it even comes with a fold up travel changing insert!

Now on to what my magical bag of wonders holds!

1. Babyganics Foaming Hand Sanitizer

this hand sanitizer is organic, alcohol-free, hypoallergenic, and it doesn't have that harsh smell that regular sanitizer has! perfect to keep your hands smelling fresh and keep them clean at the same time!

2. Triple Paste Diaper Ointment

this stuff is awesome! I've used Desitin but nothing compares to Triple Paste! it's hypoallergenic, medicated, and has a very thick texture that gives an amazing barrier between baby's skin and the diaper itself. I usually apply a moderate layer that's pretty white and don't rub it in. by the time it's time to change her again it has somewhat absorbed into her skin and on the diaper and the irritated redness and swelling has completely gone! 

3. Nuk Tooth & Gum Wipes

these are perfect for when Shiloh decides to projectile spit her pacifier out of her mouth and onto the floor. I instantly whip out one of these and wipe it down after rinsing it under hot water before giving it back to her. they are also good for wiping her gums down to get rid of the thrush in her mouth.

4. Muslin Swaddle Blankets

I breastfeed Shiloh mainly; so I carry two Swaddle blankets with me at all times. one to wrap her in if she gets uncomfortable or cold. and one to use as a nursing cover while I feed her. they're perfect and lightweight and breatheable!

5. 15 Million Volt Takedown Tazer

I don't play games when it comes to my daughter and I's safety. Whenever I go out I always make sure I have my Tazer packed away so that if someone were to approach me that sketches me out or someone comes up behind me while loading or unloading her from the car, I can protect her and stop whoever is approaching us uninvited.

6. Tommie Tippie 5oz Baby Bottle

I mainly breastfeed but I also bring formula for supplementation on the off chance my milk production has slowed for the day or she doesn't get her fill when she cluster feeds. I love these bottles because they're lightweight, easy for her to drink from, and the nipple is similar to human anatomy so it isn't difficult for her to latch to.

7. Phillips Avent Pacifier

I love these! they're so easy for Shiloh to keep in her mouth and they're orthodontic approved!

8. Muslim Cloth Diapers

I don't use these as diapers. they're perfect to use as burp cloths or spit-up cloths! they're thick and absorbent, but they roll up nice and tight to be stowed away easily. they're also soft so baby doesn't mind having her face near them.

9. Bottled Water

Always make sure you carry bottled water for formula mixing or the off chance you're dying of thirst!

10. Formula Dispenser

these are awesome! you can portion out three different bottles and don't have to worry about lugging around a big can of formula in your bag to take up space.

11. Pampers Swaddlers

these are super absorbent, soft for baby's butt, and they have a line that tells you when baby is wet! they also have an elastic waistband to form to baby's unique shape! 

12. Pampers Sensitive Wipes

these wipes are perfect and lifesavers! thick and absorbent and have a nice fresh smell to them. they're made for sensitive skin which is awesome! and they don't rip when you wipe!

13. Safety 1st Healthcare & Grooming Kit

I carry shiloh's healthcare and grooming kit with me everywhere. it has band aids, a suction for her nose, baby nail files, a thermometer and so many more health safety and grooming items such as a brush and hair trimming scissors.

I absolutely would not go anywhere without all of these items fully stocked in my diaper bag. Don't make the mistake of doing so! Run out to your nearest Babies R Us and pick them up today! you won't be disappointed!

My First Week of Motherhood

I absolutely love being a mom.

every cry, every feeding, every dirty diaper, every hour without sleep.

In my first week of motherhood, I have learned this:

when I look into my beautiful little girl's big blue eyes, I know in my heart she's worth it all. I understand now what they mean by love at first sight. from the very second I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the most amazing little miracle God has ever blessed me with. 

I thank Terry every morning and every night for the most precious little gift I've ever been given. Shiloh IS my soul. her name is engraved in my heart and with every breath I breathe, I take it all in. I absolutely adore her with every beat of my heart. every minute spent, every little second is the most beautiful moment I've spent alive. because of Shiloh my life has been changed forever. and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything on this earth. 

I can't wait to watch this little girl grow and learn and live her beautiful little life with every ounce of happiness she can.

she is the reason why I smile now. she's my entire world and grows deeper and deeper into my heart every day that passes.

if you're blessed enough to experience motherhood, either now or in the past or even in the future, cherish it! it's truly the most beautiful adventure you'll ever embark on.

Q&A: Session Two

@the.illes.family.of.4:

 life without my husband being home is tough. understandably; because we haven't been apart for more than a day at a time for the past year and two months. but he's worth the struggles we face. I absolutely adore being a mom. I thought I would struggle with the sleep deprivation and the cries of a newborn; but I absolutely adore every minute of it. my life is exactly as I've always dreamed it should be. I love it. my daughter and my husband are my heart and soul. 

@dayswithdelaney: 

I love being a mom. it is the best thing that's ever happened in my life. I don't struggle with much. I struggled more during my pregnancy than I ever do now. I absolutely love this journey. it's been so rewarding.

@kendall_xoxo93:

being a new mom is soooo much better than the sickness and pain I felt throughout my pregnancy. I'm adjusting so well and so is she. she's such a happy little soul. and I absolutely love her. she's so sweet. 

@kaylemarisahood:

my labor was the exact opposite of what I expected it to be. I thought the pain was going to be ridiculous. my labor was soooo easy. my pregnancy pain towards the end of it was worse than labor pains were.

Happy Birthday Shiloh

so as most of you know, I was scheduled for induction the morning of April 9th. I called at 6am and was at the hospital by 7:30am waiting to be admitted and taken to my room. at 8:20am they finally brought me back into Labor and Delivery. the nurses and doctors each came in and explained exactly what every procedure was and what they were going to plan on doing and by 9am I was fitted with an IV, in my hospital gown, and positioned in the birthing bed to await the arrival of my precious little girl.

childbirth is a crazy thing. it changes your entire outlook on life once you bring a child into the world. as I wondered what was going to change for me and sat there waiting to dilate, my nerves skyrocketed. I'll admit I was terrified. I was scared of the pain, scared of wether or not I was ready for this parenting journey, and scared that my husband was not going to be there for possibly the biggest day of our lives.

at first I was dilating very slow and my progress was discouraging. so they decided to use a tool that looks similar to that of a balloon. they insert it and when you get to a certain point they set the dilation for, it falls out; which can take up to two hours. I waited anxiously for this to happen and sat with my mother and mother in law chatting and laughing and trying anything to keep my mind off of it.

as I'm sitting there 15 minutes go by and I felt pressure and then feeling similar to pooping my pants and I felt the bag of fluid the balloon was tied to fall to the floor... instantly I looked at my mom and mother in law with wide eyes and shouted "I thought I just shit myself!" which then was followed by a 45 minute giggle fit and disbelief that it really only took 15 minutes to dilate to 4cm. 

the next few hours included two doses of Stadol (which doesn't block the pain, but makes you VERY LOOPY and feels like you're drunk). Stadol is a miracle drug. it made me not care about the pain at all. I felt every bit of it, but it blocked my ability to be able to reason that what I was feeling was real life. so therefore, I concluded that I wasn't in pain.

after the two doses of stadol, I begun to feel my contractions at 2 min apart. and pressure in my pelvis and around my butt. it made me feel like I had to poop again with every contraction that came.

my mother in law turns to my nurse and asked "are you guys going to break her water?" and almost immediately, I felt the biggest gush of warmth I've felt in my entire life filling up my bed; about 2lb of fluid. and I instantly screamed "I think I just peed! I think I just peed myself!" and the whole room busted out laughing. then my nurse told me to stand up out of the bed so he could change my sheets for the anesthisiologist to come and administer my epidural. my mom sat in a chair in front of me and helped me to my feet. immediately as I stood I felt another gush and another 2lb of fluid pouring down my legs and onto the floor resulting in something that looked like a kiddie pool at my feet. I instantly started laughing again; shocked by how much fluid I lost. when I looked down at my belly I noticed the size had been practically cut in half! all of a sudden I looked like I was 5 months pregnant instead of 9.

and then the best invention ever came into my life-- the epidural! within minutes I was feeling better than I ever imagined.

I got checked at 12am and found out I had gone from 4cm to 10cm and that I was going to be pushing in an hour. after the hour, I pushed for 45 min and then the most miraculous entrance I've ever seen was made. Little miss Shiloh popped out with the cord wrapped around her neck and around the length of her body. the white cord spiraling against her pink skin looked similar to a candy cane. I was amazed. it took a few minutes for her to cry, but finally the most pitiful squeak I've ever heard sprang from her mouth.

and thus the second love of my life was born.

Shiloh Marie Kelley. born April 10th at 1:52am. 7lb 15oz and 21 inches long. 

born with a head of dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. the most beautiful gift my husband has ever given to me.

Q&A from Instagram Followers

Q: how did I come up with her name?

A: honestly, Shiloh's name was chosen out of several of my favorite baby names I pulled from an app. Her middle name, Marie, is my husband's mom's middle name. and her last name, Kelley, is my husband's last name. (no I have not changed my last name legally to Kelley yet but I will be once she is born.

Q: what's my anticipation of being a mommy, or how do I feel being so close to having her?

A: oh gosh this is a tough one! all throughout my pregnancy I was completely prepared for what the future holds. I never thought once about it. but now I'm honestly a bit terrified. I ask myself all the time if I'll be a good mom or  what if I don't adjust well to being a mommy. but my anticipation is killing me, despite my questions: I am so so incredibly excited to be a mommy. I cannot wait to share in this journey with my husband and family and friends.

Q: what was my wedding like?

A: I got legally married at the courthouse. but my wedding ceremony is currently set to be sometime in Fall of 2016. after shiloh is born, my husband and I are going to be hard at work planning!

Q: what would I have named her if she were a boy?

A: my top gender name choices were

Shiloh Marie Kelley - for a girl

Ryland Trienens Kelley - for a boy

so she would have been named Ryland Trienens Kelley if she were a boy. the middle name Trienens is my husband's second middle name.

Q: do I want more children in the future?

A: oh gosh! ahaha let me get through this crazy kiddo first and give it a couple years, but I think maybe by that time my husband and I will want to make Shiloh a big sister. just depends on where we're at in life.

Q: who do I think she will look like?

A: I honestly think she'll look more like her daddy. but who knows! I'm adopted, therefore I don't know exactly what my side of the family looks like (I only have one or two pictures of my birth parents) so I'm not sure who she'll look like more. it's actually kind of exciting to think about! (:

Q: how do I feel with my husband not being here to experience her "firsts"?

A: well it doesn't matter much how I feel, because regardless he is still going to miss the first 8 months or so of her life. BUT! I'm thinking positively. I'll be sending him pictures every day of her progress and her growth. I'll be sending him videos of her and care packages with things that she has done and experienced. and he will be sending me pictures of himself over the deployment so that I can share them with her and teach her who her daddy is and that he loves her very much.

It's a..... GIRL?!

pregnancy is a strange thing.

the day I found out I was going to be a mom was a whirlwind of information and feelings I'd never experienced before. while exciting, it also brought a wave of confusion and questions that I had never had to think about before.

so there I found myself; sitting and researching and pondering all the new experiences I was going to have. the first 3 months were pure hell. I was sick all the time, and couldn't even muster the energy to get out of bed for weeks. I went from 125lb to 117lb in three or four days. I was admitted to the ER several times for dehydration because my morning sickness would not allow me to even keep myself hydrated, much less let me absorb any kind of nutrients from anything I consumed.

and then in the blink of an eye, the first trimester was over. I began to feel better and gain my strength back. the difference between my first and second trimesters was like night and day. and with the second trimester off to such a great start, I was able to focus on the next exciting adventure of my pregnancy: boy or girl.

by this time I had been oddly drawn to pink over blue, but I had convinced myself I was imagining it and that I was letting my hopes get the best of me. I thought for sure as time drew closer to my anatomy ultrasound that I was going to be the mother of a bouncing baby boy. 

I remember waking up more vividly than anything. November 6th, 2014. glanced over at the clock and-- 15 minutes late! (I knew I should have set my alarm for earlier!) Terry and I rushed to get ready, threw on clothes and headed on our way to the hospital. 

upon arrival I ran inside while he parked the car. the nurse called me back about 10 min after check-in and I prepared myself to see for the second time my little sea monkey on the ultrasound screen.

I laid back, she applied the cold jelly to my belly and there went the ultrasound scope.

it felt like forever as she went through all the normal measurements and anatomy. normal spine, normal head shape, normal abdomen, and all it's fingers and toes. yet another perfect heartbeat, and due date was set! April 2nd, 2015 seemed like a great day for a birthday to me. 

the nurse turned from the screen and gave me a cheeky smile and asked the dreaded question; "would you like to know what you're having?".....

I thought for a moment, staring at my little baby moving and twirling and its little heart fluttering on the screen and said yes.

let me tell you this: the amount of time between the "yes" and the time they finally tell you seems like an eternity! I'm convinced they take forever on purpose so that you can rack your brain about all of the possible outcomes and make yourself over-anxious about the results. 

and then she said it; "you're having a girl".....

Terry came in the room immediately after. and from the look on my face I figured he knew what was coming for him. he had missed the whole appointment. the nurse asked him if he was indeed the daddy and if he wanted to know what we were expecting.

he nodded with a smile, hoping for that little blue blessing. searching the ultrasound screen for any hint of a little penis. 

the nurse looked at him with a smile and repeated what she had told me. and I waited for a reaction.

and that's when my loving boyfriend dropped his head low and laughed and smiled; hesaid quite frankly and matter-of-factly:

"shit. I'm screwed. looks like I'm getting a gun." 

when we finally arrived home after my appointment, I asked him how he felt about the results, and he smiled cheekily and said "woman, you always get what you want. and I am ecstatic to be on this journey with you. now let me hurry and get back to work, the boys are all dying to know the gender....."

July 2014

July 2014. 

it's amazing how much can change in a few short months. Terry and I had become the picture perfect example of what exactly it was like to be in love. we had our arguments here and there but we truly did have the world at our fingertips and the future working in our favor. we hardly spent more than 8 hours at a time away from each other. days consisted of his work, then coming home and going on a new adventure. and nights consisted of warmth and love and being wrapped up in each other's arms, dreaming of what was current as well as what was yet to be. we had our future shining brightly ahead of us, and nothing seemed quite as perfect in our entire lives.

and then it happened; the thought that normally a girl doesn't ever want to have cross her mind: I haven't had my period.

the day I realized "it's been a while". 

he woke up as usual at 430am, gave me a kiss goodbye and sped off to work. I laid in bed for majority of the morning wide awake, thoughts racing. when I finally got up, I threw on some yoga pants, a hoodie, and walked myself to the store.

the aisles of "feminine hygiene" products are always so scary and intimidating aren't they? especially when you're picking up that pink First Response box. you start to question yourself: "oh no is that person looking at me? how am I gonna buy this? what will the cashier think? will people in line notice? ugh I bet I look like a tramp..."

but I made the quick purchase and ran as fast as I ever had in my life back to the apartment. 

Terry got home around 3pm and I remember hearing his car engine from what seemed like a mile away. I watched nervously through the blinds as he walked his way inside. he came in, and I threw myself violently onto the bed and acted as though I'd been lounging there for a while. he came in, gave me a kiss and immediately asked me what was wrong. 

(crap, was it really that easy to tell? we're my facial expressions that easy to decode?!)

I explained I hadn't gotten my period, and he shrugged it off. we hung out for a bit, watched some tv, made dinner and ate, and then at around 9pm started to get ready to head to bed. and I mentioned it again.

he told me to take the test and I went to the bathroom shamefully with my head down to do the deed. when I came out we spent a few minutes looking at the upside down test before deciding it was proper time to flip it over and accept our fate.

we flipped and...

negative. one solid pink line. WHEW! close one! 

we rejoiced in our victory and jumped underneath the covers. that night we dreamed of how sweet life was and how perfect our world was becoming.

the next morning I woke up feeling sick and ran to the bathroom. I came out and happened to glance at the test from the night before. there it was staring at me. a solid pink line. and next to it, a faint spotty faded mark..... 

(was it a line? or maybe I was seeing things? was it really there? no, no it couldn't be)

Terry woke up, handed me the box and pointed towards the bathroom. and off again I went with my First Response Digital. I did the deed and again came out head hung low. we sat on the edge of the bed and nervously waited for the results.

the little clock on the digital screen flashed once... twice... then three more times...

blank. and then there it was.

I'll be damned if that test didn't stare back up at us with a "YES+"

Terry's face went white, then red, then purple, and every other possible color I could imagine.

I braced myself for what I thought to be true (here it is court, he's about to say the words. he's about to tell you that it's over. your pretty perfect little world is about to come crashing down yet again. just 6 months after the last heartache you experienced)

he picked up the test, looked me in my eyes and asked: "what is the little voice inside your head saying?"

and I answered, knowing that he was asking what my thoughts were about aborting this crazy surprise, and I looked back at him and gave him the most brutally honest answer is ever given anyone in my entire life: "it is screaming at me, it's begging and pleading, no..."

and with that I closed my eyes, tears started to fill them and I heard his voice once more: "well..... okay then. I'm gonna be a daddy."

xoxo,

Courtney

It's love story time!

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. now, people say this all the time and it definitely gets overused and over played. but, in my case and in this story I'm about to tell, it has proven itself a thousand times over to be true.

in January 2014, my ex and I were fighting every day for weeks on end. and towards the end of the month I had given up. I had been dating him for a year and eight long months and felt no comfort as I looked towards our future together. so around the 25th, I broke it off. it ended just as any relationship would; horribly. there were fights over furniture being moved out of his house, and who was to take the dog. there were many rude and hurtful, awful things said between both parties. and I had found myself homeless and broken. I spent the next two weeks couch surfing. I clung to my very best friends at the time, and found comfort and refuge in them. I spent every day getting involved in drugs and alcohol to take my mind away from

all the pain my ex had caused. and when the week of Valentine's Day rolled around I was hit with more despair and felt as though a dark black cloud had unleashed itself on my pretty little life and stormed away my happiness.

the only comfort I had found during this time was in meeting Terry. at first he was awkward, quiet, and shy. he didn't say much, mainly just stared from across rooms at me. and our friends could tell he had taken to me. eventually they convinced him to speak up, and one day I noticed the first inkling of a spark forming. a facebook friend request. 

without thinking I accepted, little did I know that we would become something so much greater than that. 

it took him about a day and a half to gain up the courage, but he finally asked me to Valentine's Day dinner; a double date with our very best friends. Valentine's Day came and as I struggled with the normal thoughts (what to wear, how to portray myself, and what to order) he nervously prepared himself for possibly the most memorable night of my entire year.

he came by, picked me up in his souped up black Subaru, showed off, and we were headed on our way.

that night changed our lives forever and for the first time in well over a year, I felt cared about. on the way home to my friend's couch, I explained my shitty situation and how wrecked I felt about the previous gloomy events I'd been put through. and that's when it happened..... he took a deep breath, looked over and stared at me for a while, and said "you don't have to be homeless. you don't have to go house hopping between your friends. if you want, you can come stay with me. I know it's not much, and it's crazy to think we've only known each other about a week, and spoken to each other tonight for the first time..... but I have a comfy couch. I have a kitchen and a living space. you don't have to be alone and scared trying to figure out where you're going to stay and living out of your car."

and at that moment I took the biggest risk of my entire life; I said yes.

the first few days were definitely a change. we were awkward. he went off to work (he lived in military housing in a small apartment with his roommate and worked as an aviation structure mechanic for the navy) and I went to work as well ( at the time I was a cashier at Panera and a waitress in the evening hours at a sports bar). we hardly saw each other for the first week. but over the next month or so we transitioned from awkward roommates (rather couch mates since I slept on his futon) into inseparable love interest. we went everywhere together. I quit my jobs due to cut hours, and he stepped up to the plate and took care of whatever needed to be taken care of while I stayed at his place and cleaned and cooked for him. one night, I convinced him it was more than okay for him to confess if he had any feelings for me, and he nervously admitted. and from that night forward, we were double trouble. I never once left his side, and he never left mine; with the exception of his work, we were everything I could have ever dreamed of.

and so it began, the start of happy ever after. and I'll admit, I was way more than happy.

xoxo,

Courtney

Introduction

for those of you who don't know, or for those of you who have missed my introductory posts on Instagram and are seeing this for the first time: 

My name is Courtney Michelle Owen and I privately own the instagram account @smittenwithshiloh.

I've gained quite a bit of a spotlight lately on Insta and I'm not entirely used to things such as this, but I'm going to do my best; so bear with me here. 

I figure I will start out with basics; I am currently 21 years old. I was born on May 12th, 1993 and raised in Southern California (specifically San Diego and Chula Vista area) but due to my family being military, we slowly made our way out to the east coast. I am now living in Virginia Beach, VA. and although my past experiences living here were far from pleasant, I am rather starting to enjoy it here. 

I had some terrible experiences in high school that caused me to make some very poor choices in friendships, but in the past year and a half I've gained more than I ever could imagine in happiness and blessings. see, last year in the very beginning of 2014, I was introduced to the most amazing man I have ever met. and now we are expecting a beautiful baby girl to make her way into the world any day now. we also have a two year old chihuahua named Sadie who is my absolute best compadré and whom I adore very much.

I thought I would make this blog as a written documentary of my life as it has changed over this short period of time, and share with you all the beautiful journey I have been blessed with. I hope that in some way it can either inspire, comfort, or entertain you as I explain my ups and downs and the crazy rollercoaster of a ride I'm currently on and maybe even prove as a mechanism for you all to see that life is a crazy wonderful thing we are given and that it shouldn't be wasted, because everyone has a story to tell, and we're all in charge of writing our very own!

I hope you'll enjoy reading through mine!

Much Love,

Courtney