July 2014.
it's amazing how much can change in a few short months. Terry and I had become the picture perfect example of what exactly it was like to be in love. we had our arguments here and there but we truly did have the world at our fingertips and the future working in our favor. we hardly spent more than 8 hours at a time away from each other. days consisted of his work, then coming home and going on a new adventure. and nights consisted of warmth and love and being wrapped up in each other's arms, dreaming of what was current as well as what was yet to be. we had our future shining brightly ahead of us, and nothing seemed quite as perfect in our entire lives.
and then it happened; the thought that normally a girl doesn't ever want to have cross her mind: I haven't had my period.
the day I realized "it's been a while".
he woke up as usual at 430am, gave me a kiss goodbye and sped off to work. I laid in bed for majority of the morning wide awake, thoughts racing. when I finally got up, I threw on some yoga pants, a hoodie, and walked myself to the store.
the aisles of "feminine hygiene" products are always so scary and intimidating aren't they? especially when you're picking up that pink First Response box. you start to question yourself: "oh no is that person looking at me? how am I gonna buy this? what will the cashier think? will people in line notice? ugh I bet I look like a tramp..."
but I made the quick purchase and ran as fast as I ever had in my life back to the apartment.
Terry got home around 3pm and I remember hearing his car engine from what seemed like a mile away. I watched nervously through the blinds as he walked his way inside. he came in, and I threw myself violently onto the bed and acted as though I'd been lounging there for a while. he came in, gave me a kiss and immediately asked me what was wrong.
(crap, was it really that easy to tell? we're my facial expressions that easy to decode?!)
I explained I hadn't gotten my period, and he shrugged it off. we hung out for a bit, watched some tv, made dinner and ate, and then at around 9pm started to get ready to head to bed. and I mentioned it again.
he told me to take the test and I went to the bathroom shamefully with my head down to do the deed. when I came out we spent a few minutes looking at the upside down test before deciding it was proper time to flip it over and accept our fate.
we flipped and...
negative. one solid pink line. WHEW! close one!
we rejoiced in our victory and jumped underneath the covers. that night we dreamed of how sweet life was and how perfect our world was becoming.
the next morning I woke up feeling sick and ran to the bathroom. I came out and happened to glance at the test from the night before. there it was staring at me. a solid pink line. and next to it, a faint spotty faded mark.....
(was it a line? or maybe I was seeing things? was it really there? no, no it couldn't be)
Terry woke up, handed me the box and pointed towards the bathroom. and off again I went with my First Response Digital. I did the deed and again came out head hung low. we sat on the edge of the bed and nervously waited for the results.
the little clock on the digital screen flashed once... twice... then three more times...
blank. and then there it was.
Terry's face went white, then red, then purple, and every other possible color I could imagine.
I braced myself for what I thought to be true (here it is court, he's about to say the words. he's about to tell you that it's over. your pretty perfect little world is about to come crashing down yet again. just 6 months after the last heartache you experienced)
he picked up the test, looked me in my eyes and asked: "what is the little voice inside your head saying?"
and I answered, knowing that he was asking what my thoughts were about aborting this crazy surprise, and I looked back at him and gave him the most brutally honest answer is ever given anyone in my entire life: "it is screaming at me, it's begging and pleading, no..."
and with that I closed my eyes, tears started to fill them and I heard his voice once more: "well..... okay then. I'm gonna be a daddy."
xoxo,
Courtney
No comments:
Post a Comment